Chapter 16: Meat is Off the Menu

It was a hastily excavated tunnel. Sméagol himself had dug better burrows- not of this size, of course, but much smoother and more comfortable.

Drag marks and splashes of blood on the walls and floor showed a tale of orcs hunted down and removed. Outside there had been a circle of ash and the scent of a burn pit. This was how Men killed, with blood and tearing and metal that dug and bit, followed by the red tongues that devoured to nothing. As he scuffled at the place where some orc had bled to death in the dirt, Gollum thought of how an orc caught by the neck did not bleed or stab at the walls and often did not even know what was happening before it was dead. He shook his head.

There is only one more branch to explore, he told himself. Just a little bit longer, my precious, and then we will go out where it does not smell of orc-blood.

How soft Pippin's eyes were! How nicely Boromir had said that of course Sméagol might have a drink of water. He could have just pretended he was done and gone home with them. Why hadn't he? But now he really was done, this was the last branch of tunnel- unless he found a hidden entrance, and he didn't need to look too closely.

He sniffed, and listened, and was content that no one had come in here in quite a while. He turned to leave and then of course he heard it, a faint squeak.

A mouse? He wouldn't mind lingering after all if it meant having a little snack, and eating it underground where no one would catch him chewing on vermin. He pressed his ear to the wall. More squeaking, and now he smelled what it was.

The wall of the tunnel was soft. It had been hastily filled in. Gollum did not move for a moment, frozen in indecision- and when he did not know what to do, his prying nature took over. He carefully, quietly dug his way into the soft wall. He could only be so quiet- someone with keen ears would hear the faint scratching, and likely take it for rats, and come looking to eat the rats, but no one came and soon Gollum was standing over a litter of orc-whelps.

They were all balled up on the floor, their eyes not even open yet.

He stirred them around with his finger and watched them recoil from his clammy touch. Such tiny babies! So soft!

He realized, with an icy seizing in his chest, that his mouth was watering.

Boromir would know nothing about it until he was told, of course. Sméagol can take one and no one will know, he told himself, all of them, even, if he'll stop turning up his nose at perfectly good food.

The little orcs had such tiny, pearly little claws, and upturned button noses. I'm sick in the head, Gollum thought. I'll go now- I'll leave.

He backed away into the hole he had made in the dirt. Such new little babies must have a mother nearby. Yes. There was a scent of adult orcs in the burrow. In fact, there must be more than one mother because some of the babies were larger and older than the others. He would guess there were two batches born about a week apart. They looked thin to him, and not very clean even for orcs.

Gollum held his breath and listened. Bodies moved in a nearby tunnel, on the other side of the nursery-burrow. Voice spoke in Black Speech.

"I know manflesh when I smell it!"

"Ar! Why would Men be here? Nothin' to fight around here."

"We're here, ain't we?"

"We hadn't ought to be," another voice broke in. "I say we slink off."

"Slink off!" another orcess cried. "And where do you want to go? To the new King of the Men? A fine trophy you'll make. Think he'll put your head on a stake outside his palace or do you reckon he'll want to breed you?"

Hmm, now they were arguing, which meant the orcs might kill each other before anything else could be done about them. Gollum wondered if it would please the Men not to have to fight, or if they wanted orc-blood. He could not imagine Boromir delighting in slaughter, but he was the head of an army of Men, and a great big one, too, not one of the little bands that roamed the forests. He was experienced in killing whether he looked it or not.

The presence of whelps showed that these were breeder-orcs, not soldiers or torturers, and if left undisturbed they would live quietly making more orcs until they got old or were killed- or could find no more mates. If they were dragged into the harsh light of the Sun and slaughtered like pigs it would be completely unnecessary, and a shocking waste, too, since the Men would not even eat orcflesh.

It occurred to Gollum that he could go back and pretend the tunnel had been empty.

That might be found out. It would be best to just tell them the orcs were here but harmless, and if they were killed anyway- so be it- that was why he was here, wasn't it? And- of course- if he did not tell Boromir about the orcs, the big Man would not get to find out that Gollum had been right all along about the orcs coming back. (Or, more likely, never having all been gone in the first place. The litter-chamber was well hidden.)

He pressed himself into the dirt and listened silently. Even someone who knew exactly where he was would have been hard put to point him out among the pebbles or hear the sounds of his breathing.

The orcs continued to talk amongst themselves, revealing plenty of information as they did so. They were not armed. They feared the Men of Gondor. They were hungry and could not feed their children, their mates were all dead, they had no way out without being seen and picked off by patrols, they were trapped in a hole and it was depressing and they were sick of each others' company- everything Gollum had already guessed.

"And what're we going to do if the Sneak shows up?" one woman fretted.

Sneak? That didn't sound like it could mean anything good. Had some monster crawled out of the Black Lands and started prowling about in the area?

"Sneak! We have enough problems without worrying about tales made up to frighten the snagas into line," scoffed another.

"You haven't seem 'im then," a third said. "Lucky! He's horrible, all flappy and slimy, like a squashed frog, and them big eyes."

Gollum could not help a catch in his breathing, barely audible, but too audible for his liking.

"Did yer man tell you about him, then? Wanted you to stay home and stop going round to some little boss or other?"

"I saw him with my own eyes. He digs like a rat with his spade-hands, comes into a burrow from underneath. And he picks off a cub or two himself before taking the rest to Her Ladyship. Puts you off your food to catch him in your nursery with blood running down his face."

The litter on the other side of the wall of dirt scuffled and whimpered.

The orc-women continued their talk, blissfully unaware. "Pshaw! You sat on that litter and squashed them and you won't admit it. Anyways we could use a cub or two less around here. Whining brats are all going to starve anyway."

"Oh, and I bet you'd say the same if any of 'em were yours."

"I would. I'd eat 'em myself instead of whinging and crying about it. Look, there she goes again, sniveling."

There was the sound of a blow being struck, which did not stop the sniveling. In Gollum's experience, being in more pain did not make one less inclined to cry.

Another orc said: "The Sneak's real, if you ask me. My man said once he was told to let through some skinny gobbler that was going by the Stairs."

Gollum bit his lip with his sharp teeth, drawing a hint of tangy blood from it. Then Aragorn had been right! He had been allowed to leave.

They must have it their way! They are wiser than us, these Men, Gollum thought. He thought several curses, which he would have spat out loud if not for the extreme need for silence- he was not strong enough to fight off a group of orc-women even if they had no weapons. He would have been a match for one of them on her own, but only if she didn’t know he was there.

"So he's real. So what? He can have you lot if he likes," another woman snapped. "There's only one of him, isn't there?"

"I hope so," said the one who had once seen Gollum in her burrow- and he thought he might remember her now- she had thrown a boot at him, which had very much annoyed him at the time. What else would any mother have done? he thought now. "Who knows how many there are? We don't know what he is or where he came from. So far as we know the Lady has a whole hatchery of 'em up there."

"I don't care. Have you nattering chits any idea how we can get out of here yet, or are we going to jaw about people who may or may not exist?"

"I still think I smell manflesh," another woman sulked.

"You do not! If you say that again I'll cuff you!"

"Go ahead!"

Gollum felt he had heard enough. He withdrew, quietly, carefully- sneakily.

Outside, the little hobbits had fallen asleep, leaning companionably on each other's shoulders. Boromir sat and watched over them, his posture upright and proud- a solider with bright eyes like an Elf's.

It was a rare kind of light that did not hurt Gollum, nor did it occur to him that such a Man would once have sent him into rage and panic. He hung back, pressing his hand to his chest. An outside observer would have taken him for an elderly hobbit in a pose of such admiration that it bordered on parody- but the look in his pale eyes was not mocking, but haunted.

Perhaps this was why Boromir looked so taken aback to see him. "Sméagol?" he asked disbelievingly.

"Yes, yes," Gollum whispered, creeping closer. "No sword! It is only your little Sméagol." He sat with his head bowed.

"I will not draw my sword to you," said Boromir. "There is no need to surrender!"

"Hush, hush! The orcses underground might hear." He said this casually, for he had nearly forgotten all about it.

"Orcs?"

"Orcs," said Gollum, more seriously now, for he had recalled that Boromir knew nothing about the orcs. "We found a hidden nest of babies, and in a hidden chamber behind them, the mothers- five or six, we heard. We listened to their talk. They are nasty cruel orcs, but they have no weapons, they are starving. You will have no trouble killing them quick if you wants, but you'll have to dig them out. If you leave them- they will die anyway, perhaps, or they may go away somewhere. They are not fighters."

"Civilians," remarked Boromir. "Is that so? I have only encountered such orcs a time or two." He looked at the mouth of the tunnel. "Well, expert- the course of action seems clear to me, but I am curious what you would suggest."

Gollum scowled and muttered over this question for a few minutes. It seemed to him to be one that would secretly have a wrong answer. "That depends, it does," he said at length, "on whether Boromir wants them dead, or if he wants to try another way. I do not know if they will surrender, but they will hear if you calls down and talks to them. It seems to us that it is a battle he would not want. No- not battle, not this... slaughter. Murder. It is murder when they don't know you're there and can't stop you. Even if it's orcs."

Boromir was now leaning in quite close to him because Gollum's voice had grown quiet at this last. "Murder, you say," he replied, drawing away. "Suppose we let these orcs depart in peace. Will they remain in peace? Will they not go forth and do evil works?"

"Of course they will go and do a mischief somewhere," said Gollum. "Probably they will wait by some road and knock peoples over the head to eat them, gollum! They are orcs. I did not say you ought to let them go off wherever they wish, no. But the King has prisons, doesn't he?"

"Indeed he does," said Boromir. "I have encountered non-combatant orcs only twice before. Each time they were offered surrender, and instead they chose to rush us and were killed. I doubt things will turn out differently this time."

"Perhaps. I have never seen orcses surrender, only seen them kill or be killed, but Sméagol is always finding out new things he hasn't seen." It occurred to him that if he sounded too much in favor of the orcs it might seem as if he had struck a deal with them. "But we doesn't know what you should do," he said hastily, "that's only what we heard in the tunnel."

"You say they are unarmed?"

"They said to each other that they had no weapons, no armor, no way out without being seen. But they smells you. They suspects you. They may come looking, so you need to decide what to do."

He realized that the hobbits were awake now and had been listening.

"Isn't there any way they can just stay where they are if they're not hurting anybody?" Pippin ventured. "I'm not very fond of orcs, but... if they are not hurting anyone..."

Gollum stared at him. "Trap them here? That would starve them and they would die slow, horrible," he exclaimed, recalling that Sam had once wanted to tie him up and leave him to die of exposure, and a very similar argument had ensued.

Gollum turned to the tunnel- he heard motion in it. If the orcs had looked out and seen there were only three people here willing to fight, and two of them hobbits, who were very impressive as hobbits went but still were not giant Men with silver eyes, they might get it into their heads to run out at them. Gollum doubted that would end well for the orcs, but they might manage to get in a few knocks and bruises.

Boromir stepped forward and Gollum remembered with a cold flush that the big Man had a bad leg, and it had happened fairly recently- too soon, he'd guess, to learn how to fight and defend himself efficiently with his new balance and gait, even if he’d been training.

"I know you are there," Boromir said. "If you are not soldiers and wish for peace, I am willing to discuss terms."

A stream of Black Speech came from the tunnel.

Gollum shrieked. "How dare you," he said. "Filthy orcs! Foul!"

Boromir made a warning gesture. Gollum fell quiet, seething.

"I have heard that you are not armed," said Boromir. "Even if you were, you would stand no chance against me and my companions, and I do not take pleasure in slaughtering those who cannot fight back. If you surrender, you will be taken, unharmed, to a secure place where you will be given food, water, and any healing necessary for yourselves and your children."

The response was more Black Speech. Gollum hissed and spat at the tunnel.

"It seems you speak their language," Boromir said.

"Nasty orcs! Nasty things! He is not lying. He is a Man of Gondor! They do not lie. They can be hard Men, fierce- frightening. They will kill you if you make them. They do not lie."

An argument broke out among the orcs.

"Well," said Boromir after a minute of squabbling voices, "what are they saying?"

"Some wants to go," said Gollum. "Some do not. That is all they are saying but they are saying it so loudly and using so many other words." He paused, listening, and added: "The ones that wants to go with you are the ones with the babies. The others says they won't let them go. They'll eat them and their cubs if they tries to sneak off to you."

"Well, naturally," said Merry.

"That is orcs, gollum," said Gollum.

"That's him. It's him!" an orc cried. The one that had been talking about the Sneak.

Gollum froze.

"The Captain? I know that! Everyone knows that!"

"No! The Sneak. That's the noise he makes." Gollum helplessly clutched at his throat. "He's led a lot of Men to us like a flock of vultures. I told you he was real. I'll show you."

Footsteps approached.

"Right, we'll slink off if you want," said a voice from the tunnel, now speaking the common tongue. "If you give us the Sneak, or whatever your folk call him. The slimy thing that looks like he's half spider and all ugly."

Gollum's eyes bulged. They will not, he told himself, we are useful, and Boromir hates orcs, and they are not dangerous enough to bargain with. But he felt sick, and wondered if he should remind Boromir of all of his useful qualities.

"I will give you nothing," said Boromir, and Gollum let out a shuddering breath. "I am told you have children. I will allow you to stay together with your children in safety if you agree to surrender. That is all you will be granted." How tall he looked, how terrifying!

"Beggin' yer pardon, Sir Man," the orc sneered, "there are more of us'n there are of you, and if you hand over the gollum-thing we won't come out at you."

"I tell you again I will give you nothing," said Boromir. "Especially not anyone who is living. Your request is offensive to me."

"Well, that gobbler is offensive to me," said the orc. "What've you manpigs come to if you're keeping him for a pet?"

"I caution you not to insult him," said Boromir. "It angers me. I am offering you clemency on his account, he told me you were not fighters and suggested that I allow you to depart."

"Generous little slimeball, ain't he," the orc said. "He wants to come back and pick through the litters later."

"You try my patience, orcs," said Boromir. "A Halfling that was imprisoned and tortured by your kind has taken pity on you, and you ask me to hand him over to be murdered."

"Ach!" Gollum cried, shuffling forward. "No, no- let us talk, let us," he said. Boromir was showing that he had an appalling grasp of what orcs wanted and what would make them angry. It seemed that he really didn’t negotiate with them often.

"Very well," said Boromir. "If you care to try it. Do not go within arm's reach."

"Of course not, no," said Gollum. In fact he stayed well behind Boromir's legs. "The Man is nice!" he ventured. "He will take you somewhere with food and water, nice clean water, and you can keep your whelps. And if you will not go, he will put you all to the sword quick. You cannot stay in that nasty little hole. You haven't anything to eat there. Your babies will starve, or something besides us will find them. We knows you are not very many. You cannot fight. You do not know how."

The response was an oath in Black Speech.

"Stop that," Gollum snapped. "You doesn't even know his mother, ach! You shouldn't say such things about him, he still has his sword. He knows where to put it if you’re not polite to him. It is no business of ours whether you die here like ratses. We thought it might be your business, that is all."

"This is our home and we shouldn't have to go anywhere."

"Too bad, too bad for you," said Gollum. "This is what happens when Wars are lost, whether you fought or not. I have no home either, but when the Men offers me something I say, 'yes, I will go nicely', and we has a place to stay, and they keeps their promises, and they say they will help you too! The Men are powerful, and can give you many lovely things. They are not like orcs, when they say they will give you something they do it. It would be very silly to say no only because you do not like the Sneak."

"We don't like Men neither," she grunted.

"No? It is the world of Men now," said Gollum. "They are stronger, there are more of them. You will have to make nice with the Men or die. You may choose which. It is no matter to us, or to the Men. If you do not want to work with them, they will have no trouble getting rid of you."

By way of answer a rock flew out of the cave and struck him in the face. He stumbled back, covering his eye with his hand and blinking in disbelief, although such treatment should not have surprised him.

Boromir drew his sword.

"Here, get away from there, Sméagol," said Merry. "They're not going to listen to you and I don't think you're helping."

Gollum slunk away and crawled under the cart, crouching between the back wheels. He wished Merry had not used his name in the hearing of the orcs.

The hobbits and Boromir discussed things with the orcs for some time- the Man who had driven the cart went over to them as well. Everyone sounded frustrated.

After a time Pippin came over to him. "Things aren't going very well with those orcs, I'm afraid," he said.

“They aren’t?” Gollum said.

His hint of sarcasm seemed to be lost on Pippin, who sadly shook his head and said: "The driver is going to ride back to the city and bring some more people, while we stay and keep an eye on things. You're welcome to go back with him if you'd like, though you'll have to ride on the back of the horse."

"No... no, I don't wants to do that. I will stay here and wait," said Gollum. He wished he had not coated himself in dust. He was beginning to itch.

"That's fine, if you'd rather," said Pippin.

“We are used to waiting.”

"Say, I think we should wash up that cut on your throat. I'll get some water. You must be thirsty, too."

"Yes, nice hobbit."

Pippin brought a waterskin. Gollum drank from it and dabbed at his cut, which was shallow but stung.

"You're going to have quite a black eye, I'm afraid," said Pippin. "Would you like a bit to eat?"

"No... I don't wish to eat." He was ravenous, but the dried meat was pretty bad stuff and he could wait to get home. Also, something unsettled him about the idea of eating in the presence of orcs- so close to those little ones, such helpless prey. "Will the orcs be killed?"

"I'm afraid I don't know. It does seem rather awful to kill them, but they don't want to work with us."

"Ach! It is their own fault, then. Shouldn't snap and throw things when peoples are being nice to them." Gollum rested his sharp chin on the back of his arm and wished he had stayed at home in bed.

A shout rang out and Pippin dashed away quick as lightning. Gollum heard cursing orcs and swords striking flesh, and Boromir giving curt commands.

He scurried out from under the cart. It was plain what had happened: when the cart-driver had left, and Pippin had walked away, the orcs had tried to take on Merry and Boromir while they were separated.

If he had been thinking properly Gollum would have seen that the wretched orc women with only rocks for weapons were very much on the losing end of things, in fact the hobbits and Boromir were making an attempt to drive them back into their cave instead of outright slaughtering them. Gollum was not thinking properly, he had just seen a bunch of filthy orcs trying to put their handses on nice Boromir.

The nearest orc found herself suddenly beset by something screaming and flailing, and was knocked to the ground with strong hands fastened on her throat and a chunk of flesh torn from her cheek.

Before he could finish throttling his victim Gollum was confronted with a rather large rock to the head from behind, and his part in the battle was over.

Gollum woke up with his mouth full of orc-blood. He shrieked.

"Oh dear, Sméagol's awake," someone said, and Pippin appeared over him.

Gollum gibbered wordlessly for a minute. He spat and scrubbed his mouth with the back of his hand.

"How badly are you hurt?" Pippin asked.

"Dead orc!"

"Yes, I am afraid they are all dead," said Pippin, "they were trying to kill us, but they didn't manage to hurt anyone but you, I am glad you woke up!"

Gollum looked all around. There was a neat little pile of bodies. "One, two, three, four, five... six... seven," he said.

"Yes, two that had swords came out," said Pippin. "Boromir thinks that's why the first few attacked us. They must have found the swords, and they were planning to get us when they had a distraction, but there were just too few of them. But you’re awfully lucky, you aren’t wearing any kind of armor at all! They could have killed you."

Gollum held his head in his hands. 

"Does it hurt terribly?" Pippin asked.

"Of course it does," Gollum whined. "What was we thinking, messing about in the fight like that?"

"You were trying to help, that's all! And- you were a distraction, at least... do you want some water?"

"Yes, yes..."

Pippin handed him a water-skin and Gollum sipped from it, looking about. A few more Men had showed up and they were standing around talking to Boromir.

"The whelps," he said, growing wide-eyed. "What has happened to them?"

"Nothing, that I know of," said Pippin.

Boromir was now standing over them. "You're awake," he said. "Do you know where you are?"

"A filthy orc-pit," said Gollum, "with a big Man of the South and two giant hobbits, and we have gone out of our head and now we are sore, where are the orc babies?"

"I don't know," said Boromir. "I cannot fit into the tunnel or hear within it. I don't know if the orcs removed them before attacking us."

Gollum rolled over, moaning, and got up on all fours.

"Your strategy was an effective distraction," said Boromir, "if reckless. But if you plan to fight in future I urge you to revisit whether or not you're able to hold a sword first."

Gollum muttered something- it was just as well that it was too quiet for anyone to hear- and crawled into the tunnel. Pippin made a grab for him, which had the effect of speeding him out of reach.

"What is it doing?" Gollum snapped.

"Don't go in there!" Pippin cried. "What if there are more grown-up orcs?"

"Then they will be a lovely big dinner for us," said Gollum, slinking farther into the tunnel. It was empty and silent, except for the squeaking babies.

"Rotten nasty orcses," Gollum said, and started to cry because now this was his problem and he didn't want it to be. But this was what he had said he would do- go into places the Men could not go.

He picked up one of the babies by the scruff of the neck and found he could not crawl properly with an orc-cub in his hand. So, after steeling himself up, he picked it up in his mouth- gently, of course- and brought it out into the air in mother-cat fashion.

Boromir was back talking to the other Men. Merry and Pippin were still near the tunnel, apparently waiting to either be told what to do or to figure out what to do about Gollum, and it was at their feet that Gollum deposited the newborn orc.

Merry drew back. "What's that you've got, Sméagol?"

"Baby," he said, darting back into the tunnel. He retrieved another small orc- the nest was now weakly flailing in agitation, perhaps realizing one of the litter was missing. The tiny things also seemed to have all caught on now that Gollum was alive and therefore potentially edible- they were trying to bite his hands and feet. They couldn't make an impression on his soft, sticky skin. He just nudged them out of the way and withdrew with another of them in his mouth.

When he emerged, the two hobbits were standing on either side of the first of the whelps that he'd brought out into the open, looking down at it. "It's like a sort of- twisted-up piglet, with fangs," Pippin was saying, distressed.

Gollum set the orc's sibling beside it on the ground, and turned away.

"Now hold on," Merry started to say, as Gollum vanished into the tunnel, but he did not wait to hear what the big hobbit wanted him to hold on for. Gollum intended to fetch all the orcs as quickly as possible and be done with it, and he wasn't about to be slowed down by hobbit-questions. Or Man-questions. Any one of the people outside was capable of asking some very silly things if he had a mind to.

Once he returned to the nest it occurred to him to make a count- there were three babies remaining, and he had taken two outside already. There must be five in all.

He picked up the closest whelp and brought it outside. The route was beginning to feel rather long.

The two hobbits were intently studying the two baby orcs they had been presented with. Gollum dropped the latest one on the pile.

"Wait a minute, Sméagol," Pippin cried. Gollum did not wait a minute.

Faced with only two little orcs remaining, he tried to pick them both up at once. This would only have been possible if he could have one in his hand... when he tried to fit two neck-scruffs in his mouth he promptly dropped one of the babies. Orcs being sturdy even in their youth, this didn't seem to harm the infant but nor did it seem remotely pleased.

The route outside now felt very long. The soil was rough and pebbly and Gollum's hands were beginning to hurt. Also, he felt a bit dizzy, but since he was crawling around on all fours to begin with he was unlikely to fall over and not terribly worried.

He dumped the latest orc closer to the mouth of the tunnel than he had brought the others, and this time no one noticed him or tried to ask him to stop. They were preoccupied with the orcs they already had.

There was one last squirming goblinet to take aboveground and something else that he'd overlooked before- a dead whelp in the corner. Perhaps it had not been there long enough to have been found by the adults. Its siblings had been gnawing on it.

Gollum sat a minute with his eyes closed. Finally he picked up the last live orc and brought it out.

No one had noticed the one that he'd left by the mouth of the tunnel. He picked it up in his hand and brought it to the rest of the pile. Adding the last two orcs to it, he turned aside.

Boromir was there now, the hobbits must have fetched him. "Sméagol!" Boromir commanded. He had never used such a firm tone with Gollum. Gollum's response was to cringe like a dog. "What is this?"

"Baby orcses," said Gollum, glowering, but meekly lowering his head.

"You found these inside?"

"Yes, no others. Just those... and one dead," he amended, "but we did not think he would want the dead one. They are orphans. They would starve if I left them, it hurts to starve. If the Men do not want them they can kill them quicker and not so badly, or- or I can if he wants it, since we did find them." 

More Men had approached and were watching from a distance.

"I have never before seen such young orcs," Boromir said.

"No, no," said Gollum, thinking that must mean that the soldiers of Gondor had left many, many nests of starving orphaned goblins in their wake without knowing it. "That is why they needs Sméagol to look for things."

"Are they like to die," Boromir asked, "even if we care for them?"

Gollum looked down at the pile of mewling creatures. "No," he said. "They would not like to die. They will be healthy if the Men feed them jusst a bit of meat, not very much, not as much as Sméagol eats, they are so small."

Boromir nodded. "In that case, if we would have accepted the surrender of the grown orcs I see no reason not to take in these helpless children. We will bring them back with us."

Then they'd need to be put in the cart. Gollum picked up one of the orcs by its scruff.

"You don't need to do that," said Pippin. "Someone else can take them from here."

"They are not heavy," said Gollum. "This is how the orcs carry them. It is easy. Or- we could throw them all into a sack and drag it around- they does it that way too."

Merry had picked up another of the whelps and was trying to cradle it the way Men carried their babies. It was trying to bite his arms, but couldn't get through his sleeves. That looked inefficient to Gollum, but it wouldn't hurt the whelp, so he didn't care to remark.

He dropped the orc-baby he was holding into the cart.

"Sméagol, you should be a little more careful," Pippin cried. He had picked up another of the whelps in the same overly-delicate manner of his cousin.

"No need," said Gollum, "they are not like Man children! You can drop them." He went to pick up another, but some stranger had scooped up the remaining two into an empty sack that smelled as if it had had hobbit-food in it, and was walking back to the cart.

"They already eat meat?" Pippin asked, when they were all in the cart. "They do have teeth, but they're so tiny."

"Mother orcs chew up meats and spits it for them," said Gollum, while wriggling back into his clothing.

"I was afraid you'd say something like that," said Merry. He still had one of the whelps in his arms, as did Pippin. "What about drink? Should we give them water?"

"Never seen little orcses drink water. They drinks blood from the meats," said Gollum. "It is bad country for hunting, it is... else we could find mices for them."

"I think he's trying to eat me," said Merry.

"Hobbits is meat," said Gollum. "Put it down if you don't wish it to bite with its tiny teeths! It will not stop."

"I suppose that's why you carried it the way you did," said Merry, setting the orc down. Pippin did the same.

Gollum had carried it by the scruff mostly because he would have found it hard to keep his balance without at least one hand free, but he didn't care to say so. "They need baths, they stinks," he said. "That is how we should give the, water. Wash them, wash them!"

They started dumping water over the squealing baby orcs, and dabbing at them with whatever cloth items were handy. It did not help the smell very much. Gollum was relieved when the driver came back and said they would start heading back to the city- it meant someone else would take the whelps away and deal with them soon.

As the cart rocked away, he turned and looked up at the mountains with a shudder.

"I'll be glad to be out of here," said Merry. "Say, Sméagol, you asked us what the Shire is like. I suppose the quickest answer would've been that it's the opposite of this place."

"Is that so," Gollum said to himself. He looked down. One of the goblinets was gnawing on the thick skin that stretched between Gollum's toes and made his feet into such effective paddles.

He observed the whelp a moment or two, as one would observe an insect, before picking it up and dropping it back into its pile of siblings. He looked up at the hobbits, who were watching him silently.

"A bad world for orcs, it is," said Gollum. "But it always has been, since they are orcs. Will the King be angry that we brought them?"

"I don't think he'll be angry," said Pippin in surprise. "He might be surprised."

"He'll be surprised for certain," said Merry, "and I hope I'm there to see his face when he's told about it. But why would he be angry?"

"I do not think he meant for us to bring him little orcs," said Gollum.

"I should say he didn't," the hobbit replied, "but I doubt that would make him angry. Anyway, Boromir was the one who decided to bring them back home, not you, so even if Strider does get annoyed by it I don't think you need to worry."

Gollum shrugged and lay down on the bottom of the cart. His head was aching. The hobbits politely let him rest, and also pulled away the baby orcs when they crawled over to Gollum to try to chew on him. 

 It was nearing dawn when they approached the city. Gollum had never seen it from outside and was struck by how big it was and how clean it looked. He rested his chin on the side of the cart and stared.

"It's sort of impressive, isn't it?" Merry asked.

A strange place usually felt smaller when he got a chance to get used to it, but Minas Tirith so far seemed to be somehow expanding with every new viewpoint of it he encountered. And there's more we can't see even from back here, Gollum realized. It goes back into the rock a way on each side.

"That is the opposite of the dark lands," Gollum ventured. "The city, anyway, the city... the other city."

"Oh, yes," said Pippin. "I think everywhere nice has an opposite in that terrible place, maybe."

"Maybe so." Gollum was trying to think of something else to say when the Tower at the top of the city flared into life, a huge beacon of fire. He screamed and dove to the bottom of the cart.

"It's the Sun," said Pippin, "it catches the light. I suppose it hurts your eyes, doesn't it? I'm sorry. It's beautiful, if you were able to look at it."

"It shouldn't be allowed," Gollum cried, now more convinced than ever that Minas Tirith was the opposite of Minas Morgul.

The little orcs had been asleep but now one of them had woken up and was gnawing on his arm. He pushed it away and sighed.

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