Bilbo was so absorbed in his writing that he did not hear Gandalf come back, and only looked up when he entered the room.

Bilbo was sharing a room with Gandalf. This arrangement had been decided because Frodo was apparently not quite well enough to be randomly woken at three in the morning for tea, though Bilbo thought such things would do him some good. No one agreed on that point, and only Sam was allowed near Frodo at night.

Now Gandalf came into their shared room and began to go through his robes and things, with a speed and a lack of care that was not like himself.

"Whatever is the matter?" Bilbo asked.

Gandalf looked up. "You are not at the banquet."

“Why no, I left.”

“And you did not go to the library?”

"I did, but then I finished my research there and came back here, and now I am using my research to write what I was researching for." He gestured at the half-written page before him. “Ought I not to be here? You seem distressed.”

"I have brought in someone," Gandalf said, "whom I would not have invited if I realized I would not be alone in the house."

"I'll stay out of the way if you intended a private conversation," said Bilbo, who often stayed out of the way regardless, since he often didn’t hear people entering the house. He wondered who Gandalf could have possibly invited that would cause such a fuss.

Just then a thunderous crash resounded downstairs, followed by a thin shriek. Gandalf ran out of the room and was shortly heard to be scolding someone whose end of the conversation was not audible. Bilbo only heard: "What are you doing?" followed by "Of course you did not mean it, which is why you ought to have followed my directions not to touch anything. You did not need a better look at it. You could have been hurt. Yes, it could have come down onto your head, and then you would have survived Mt. Doom only to die under a pile of crockery. Do not touch anything else!"

After that his voice became calmer and less audible.

Bilbo resumed writing, but more slowly.

Gandalf returned after a moment or two and resumed looking through his clothes.

"What are you looking for?" Bilbo asked.

"Some dry clothing for someone without the sense to come in out of the rain."

"I think he's closer to my size than yours."

Gandalf paused. "I doubt you will want anything back after he has worn it."

"I have a shirt and trousers that are nearly worn out," said Bilbo, going to his side of the room to retrieve them. "He can keep them. But I didn't think Gollum would need dry clothing."

"He does not need it," said Gandalf, "but drying him off will not hurt him and might prevent him from continuing to drip all over the floor. Thank you, Bilbo."

"Don't mention it," said Bilbo, digging to the bottom of his pack for the items he'd mentioned. "I don’t suppose he’s the most pleasant guest one could ask for…"

"He has asked a riddle."

"Oh, well, he does that, from time to time. I doubt he meant any offense."

"I thought I could satisfy him by saying I did not know the answer," said Gandalf, "but he ever so politely told me he would wait for me to think about it, and now asks at frequent intervals if I have thought of the answer."

"What was the riddle?"

"I'm not hungry but always eats,
I leaps about but has no feets.
When I'm here, you chokes and cries,
In my grip , you screams and dies,
even if you're strong and wise.
Rain kills me, pain fills me. What am I?

"The grammar is his own invention," Gandalf added. "He is quite free with it."

“It’s not the happiest riddle I’ve ever heard.” Bilbo had found the patched trousers with the worn-out seat and the frayed shirt he was looking for. Not very nice things and he almost felt guilty offering them to anyone as a present, but if they were only needed for a few hours and would be ruined, he supposed it was reasonable. "Maybe you'd better tell him the answer- it will stop him pestering for a bit, I’d think." There was a fraction of silence and Bilbo realized: "Have you not guessed it?"

"I have not," said Gandalf. "I have guessed every known evil thing and vile destroyer from legend, and he became first smug, and then annoyed."

"I once nearly made the same mistake, back when he wasn't offering multiple guesses," said Bilbo. "But I've gone over his riddles so many times writing that chapter of my book, and having to tell the story over again, and the answer to every single one of them was something quite simple from the world around Gollum, nothing from history or tales. I think the answer to that one he's asked you is fire- it consumes things, it leaps, it can kill, and the smoke makes your eyes sting.

There was a thump from down below, and a dismayed yowl. Gandalf grabbed the clothing and ran out of the room.

Bilbo went back to his work, though now he could not concentrate, having one ear out for noises from downstairs.

Gandalf soon returned, shaking his head. He once more began looking through his clothes.

"Did he not like my old shirt?" Bilbo asked.

"I am looking for an old blanket or towel," said Gandalf. "I invited Gollum to sit down and rest for a while, and stop sniffing and pawing at things. He politely warned me that his skin seeps through his clothing and he leaves damp patches, and that the Men who look after him often give him a rag or some such thing to sit on if he's going to be out of his room."

"At least he did warn you," said Bilbo, who didn't find this information terribly surprising, all things considered. "Why is he here, by the way?"

"He has, once again, gotten himself lost. I encountered him by chance- he was creeping about and getting underfoot. Apparently he has recently been moved to a new room in another building, and I do not know where it is, and neither does he, so I thought I ought to simply bring him along with me. I had thought the house would be empty, as I said. I did not expect you to return early."

"Couldn't you have turned him over to someone who does know where he lives?" Bilbo asked.

"Perhaps," said Gandalf. "But no one was at hand and I believed that I should take the opportunity to speak with him a little while, as I have not seen much of him, and he has been going through a great deal of change. But I have now seen enough. I expected him to go to sleep. It is the middle of the day, when he usually sleeps, but he will not sleep. He does not want to sleep. He is not tired."

"You on the other hand do look rather tired."

"Fire was, indeed, the correct answer to his riddle. Unfortunately, he has now guessed you are here- which I ought to have anticipated when I went upstairs and came back with the answer, and with hobbit-sized clothing."

"Oh, dear."

"He would not say he knew about you," said Gandalf, "but he was staring at the ceiling and listening for your movements, until I am afraid I lost patience with him and told him you did not want to see him and he ought to forget about it."

"I don't mind talking to him for a bit," said Bilbo, "if that's what he wants. I can’t concentrate very well knowing he’s flapping about downstairs and wondering what he’s doing and how he's tormenting you. I may as well go and see for myself." He flipped through his stack of papers. He had done another draft of 'Riddles in the Dark' a few days ago- he took the just-retired third draft, not the fourth that had already been set into the book, and some blank paper for note-taking. "Actually," he said, "it might be useful."

"Useful?"

"You once asked me if I'd interview Smaug if I could get ahold of him, and I said I would, well, I've only got Sméagol and he's a less charismatic speaker, but their names are close enough. I'm running out of time if I want to talk to the only person who sees well enough in the dark to know what that awful cave looked like. We won't be staying here in the city much longer, and thankfully he's declined to leave with us."

He was more than half expecting Gandalf to forbid this, but instead Gandalf looked at him strangely and said: "Very well. I did not intend it or know I was doing it, but I think I have brought him here as your guest. Go to him, Bilbo, if you are willing."

Well, Bilbo had said he was going to do it and he wasn't going to back down now. He prepared to leave the room and face down the monster. Facing monsters who were not inclined to eat him, in a comfortable setting, with Gandalf nearby, was about his speed these days.

"And take him this threadbare pillowcase to sit on," said Gandalf. "I don't wish him to make this house slimy."

Bilbo headed down the stairs. Halfway down he spotted Gollum sitting by himself in the darkest corner of the room below, huddled with his head lowered to the floor. Seen from above he looked small and out of place. He also looked rather shabby and ridiculous in Bilbo's old clothing.

When Bilbo approached him, Gollum looked up, wide-eyed, and began to stammer.

"Good afternoon," said Bilbo, stiffly. He had realized he was not at all sure what to say. "I hope you're well."

"Yes- yes, precious!" Gollum said something else in a voice too low to make out, and seemed to be talking to himself. The light was too low to tell for certain, but it looked as if he was blushing.

Bilbo had now reached the end of the staircase. He disembarked, clearing his throat.

"How's he been?" Gollum asked.

"Me?"

"Yes, yes, how's he been?" He sounded genuinely anxious to know.

"I've been well, thank you," said Bilbo. "A bit too old."

"Ach," said Gollum. "Yes."

Bilbo had the curious feeling that he'd just put his foot in his mouth. "Well, er," he said. "Ah, Gandalf wanted you to have this to sit on."

He provided the bit of cloth. Gollum arranged himself on it, ending up curled on the floor and looking up at Bilbo from about knee height.

"We do not want to make a mess," he said with an odd primness.

"Naturally. What were those things you knocked over before?"

"That was by accident, gollum!"

"I'm sure it was," said Bilbo. "I was only wondering... well, never mind." He noted that the umbrella stand looked untidier than it had last been and supposed that someone had been sniffing and pawing at it. It occurred to him that Gollum may never have seen an umbrella before. Naturally he'd be curious.

"He has papers," Gollum said, eyeing the pages in Bilbo’s hands.

"Yes, I do. I just so happen to be writing my memoirs."

"Yes?"

"Do you know what those are?"

"Memories," said Gollum. "His story." He sounded reticent, almost shy.

"Right, yes," said Bilbo. "Well, it happens that you are a part of my story..."

"Not a very nice part," Gollum said, wringing his hands.

This must be his penitent side. Bilbo wondered at how the creature could have so many different modes of being and how they could all have new and fresh ways to make him uncomfortable to be around.

"No," said Bilbo. "Not a very nice part, but a very important part. And our tale is needed for Frodo's tale, when he tells it, so I'd like to get it right." He realized that without meaning to he had begun to use a low, gentle tone of the kind one would use to address someone who was ill or in distress. "It's always helpful to get a second opinion on these things and you are the only other person who was there."

"He wants to ask us?"

"If you don't mind."

"Sméagol can read," Gollum volunteered, looking longingly at the notes. "Let him read what you've got, eh? We'll tell you if it's wrong."

Bilbo had brought his previous draft instead of the current one because he suspected that however he tried not to get Gollum to touch the papers, he would end up touching the papers. He found himself reluctant to hand them over, though.

"Did he write things about Sméagol that he doesn't want us seeing?" the creature asked.

"I'll tell you now," said Bilbo, "it's not all complimentary, seeing as how you did try to eat me, you know."

"Then let us see it," Gollum insisted. "Of course he wrote things about us that aren't nice, because we wasn't very nice then, but it is only fair if it is all true."

"That's right. I'll have you know- I'm not interested in lying about you, or painting you out to be worse than you are. If you find something in here that isn't true, it's an honest mistake and I'd like you to correct it. Here- I suppose I may as well let you read it yourself. It'll be faster."

Gollum was unexpectedly ginger when he took the pages. He shambled over to the coffee table and spread the papers out on it, studying them closely. A look of wonder and almost fear spread itself over his gaunt face.

It occurred to Bilbo that he probably had written something about Sméagol that he shouldn’t read, and he wished he'd looked over the chapter before giving it away. He'd told the story so many times that it was hard to remember which version and which details had been written down. It was too late now- Gollum wasn’t about to relinquish those papers once he had them.

It seemed that although Gollum could indeed read, it was slow and difficult going for him. He mouthed words and followed along with his finger. Having an audience likely did not help. Bilbo got up and walked away, pretending to find the hat stand very interesting.

"Picked it up by accident?" Gollum said under his breath.

Bilbo did not reply. There was no good reply to that, not if it was in reference to what Bilbo thought it was.

"He's just picked up my Precious, my precious present," Gollum said in wonder. Bilbo winced. "And the hobbit is only thinking of smoking his pipe!" He turned and looked at Bilbo in wariness and horror. 

Bilbo shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. Gollum did not look angry, just stunned.

"An island?"

"In the middle of the lake. Yes, it was our home, it was my home for so many years, that island." He traced the words on his page with his finger, as if he could touch the rocks and mud he had lived in.

Actually Gollum lived on a slimy island in the middle of the lake, wrote Bilbo in his notes, inferring the 'slimy' part.

"It is in a tale," Gollum said, flipping the page back and looking warily at the chapter heading. "A real tale, like Sam said we was in. I didn't know what he meant then."

"It's as good a tale as I can manage, I suppose," said Bilbo. "And it is real, since it really happened."

"Is there more?" Gollum asked.

"You haven't finished that yet," said Bilbo.

"It starts in the middle! What else is there about Goblin-town?"

"Finish that bit and perhaps I'll show you," said Bilbo.

Gollum resumed reading. After a moment he scowled and made a few of his characteristic gulping sounds. Then he asked: "Who was the Dwarves?"

"That is a long story and I am not finished writing it. And I expect you know something about that already anyway, if you were hearing stories about these things in Lake-town, as Gandalf says you were."

Gollum muttered something Bilbo couldn't catch and then was silent for quite a while. Bilbo walked around and pretended not to be listening intently for any more mutterings.

"It's Sméagol," Gollum said eventually, pointing at the page.

"Well, yes," said Bilbo. "I know that's your real name but since I didn't know that then I wasn't planning to change it. Er, you don't mind, I hope?" If Gollum said he minded Bilbo would diplomatically promise to change it and then not change it. He’d made similar promises to other players in his story.

Gollum did not ask him to change it. "We're in a tale."

"Yes..."

"I was in a tale all this time," said Gollum. "When did you write this?"

"Well, I suppose... I don't quite remember when I set it down, but I told the Dwarves about you just after we met. Everyone's in a tale all the time, you know, but some of them are less interesting to a wider audience than others."

Gollum stared back at him with a touch of fear, as if Bilbo had strange and wonderful powers. He shook his head, muttering, and went back to reading. After that he was quiet for some time, rocking back and forth and still with that fearful look on his face. "So that is how he got away," he cried after what felt like about an hour. "He fell over, precious! He was ssprawled on the floor, precious! We went right past him, we did, that is how it happened, I thought it was! But we never thought he fell over. He is very clumsy. He doesn't know what he's about. No. A very pretty burglar he is."

Bilbo harrumphed a bit.

Gollum grew very absorbed in what he was reading, leaning in until his nose was only a few inches from the page. Bilbo paced back and forth and considered lighting up a pipe, but decided against it. He suspected that the smell would bother Gollum and make him even more fidgety. He was fidgety enough already- he was squeaking and grumbling.

Suddenly, Gollum drew himself up with a shuddering intake of breath.

"What is it?" Bilbo asked. "Is my prose so dreadful as that?"

Gollum did not reply, but sat there shaking. He doesn't look angry, Bilbo thought... but he was covering his face with his hand, so it was difficult to tell.

Bilbo looked back at the page and noted the sentence: He must stab the foul thing, put its eyes out, kill it. The ‘foul thing’ meaning present company, of course.

How exactly, he wondered, do I expect him to respond to that?

"How did you know?" Gollum asked in a tiny voice.

"How did I know what?"

"Hard stone, cold fish, sneaking and whispering," he whimpered, quoting the manuscript. "That was it. How did you know?"

"I saw it," said Bilbo. "At least- I saw you and I saw the place- although it was very dark- and it just seemed like a horrible place to live, and you looked like a horrible thing to be. I mean, you didn't seem happy."

Gollum said nothing. He felt at his heart and his face twisted as if he had a pain.

"And you were unarmed, and... well... you know," said Bilbo, trying to guess whether this was an ordinary sort of pained expression or if the poor wretch was going to have a heart attack. He was quite old.

"You could have killed me."

"Oh, dear, I am sorry-"

"Sorry! Sorry, he says. I was trying to kill you."

Ah, he had been referring to the time Bilbo had written about, and not saying that the writing itself could have given him a heart attack.

"Back then? I very much noticed that you were trying to kill me, don't worry," said Bilbo. It was a natural response for him to deflect tense moments with a bit of a dry joke but at once he wondered if now was quite the time to have tried it, as he didn't think his present audience was likely to have much of a sense of humor. Too late, he thought.

"I... I thought..." Gollum trailed off. Bilbo waited silently, in large part because he himself did not know what to say. "I thought... everyone hated Sméagol. That it was a bad, hard world and I must just get them first- gollum, gollum!"

Bilbo thought this might, under the circumstances, had been a reasonable assumption for Gollum to make at the time, and that perhaps it was because being a murderous cannibal that made disgusting noises was not a good way to make friends. He said nothing.

"But here was someone," said Gollum in a small voice. "And I, I would have killed him. If I had any chance. I tried for so long." He paused again, and resumed with: "All those years. All that creeping, and thinking the whole world wanted my neck... all the while I was looking for the one person who did not, to kill him."

Bilbo was quiet for a moment. He had not expected Gollum to be capable of such feelings, and now felt a bit guilty himself, and wondered if it had been cruel to unexpectedly show the old thing an account of what must, in retrospect, have been one of the worst days in a life full of worst days. In the end Bilbo said: "I suppose if I were you I would have assumed that we both hated each other, after all of that. But I never did hate you. I don't think I've ever really hated anyone."

Gollum had a distant expression, as if he was looking at something far off- something too terrible to describe. "Would you have helped me even back then, if I had asked nicely?"

"If you'd asked nicely? I'm sure I would have tried," said Bilbo, "or tried to find someone else who could help you, at least." He was not sure what exactly Gollum had wanted help with and wondered if he himself did not know either.

"Was the world a kind place all along and only I was cruel in it?"

"It's not a kind place," Bilbo said swiftly, now feeling as if he were on firmer ground. "The world is not a kind place, or a cruel place, in itself- it is just a big place, with kind people in it. There are also cruel people in it, and a great many people who are not a lot of anything, often because they haven't been given a chance to be a lot of anything. Your mistake was just thinking you'd seen enough to know what people were like when you'd spent your life hiding away from them."

Gollum turned to look at him.

"And that's a mistake a great many people make," said Bilbo. "So you shouldn't think you're some distinguished brand of evildoer. I suspect you're an ordinary person who fell into strange circumstances and made a lot of horrible choices. Then you made a very good choice and now you are here, and now that you're seeing more of the world than the inside of a dungeon or a cave, you're realizing it's more complicated than you thought. And on the inside you're probably still ordinary."

Gollum stared back at him.

"As a matter of fact," said Bilbo, "I don't think you were even the nastiest person I met on that journey, though you certainly gave it a good try."

Gollum began to shiver, but after a moment whatever he was feeling seemed to pass, or at least to become bearable. He turned away and looked over Bilbo's papers. "They are- we have made them damp," he said, glancing back at Bilbo. "I did not mean to do it."

"There's not much harm done," said Bilbo, looking over the tear-spotted page. "It's still legible, and it'll dry. Do you still want to read the rest, or was that enough?"

"I wants to read it," said Gollum, after a moment's hesitation. He pulled the pages towards him and became blessedly silent, aside from an occasional quiet sniffle or catch of breath.

Bilbo sat down nearby and didn't move. At long last Gollum- who took eons to read anything- finished the chapter and leaned back. He looked utterly exhausted.

"Well?" Bilbo asked. "Did I lie about you?"

"Sss, my precious," Gollum said, ruefully massaging his forehead. "He has not lied. No, he has not lied at all." He sighed deeply, a sigh that ended in a cough that coming from anyone else would have made Bilbo think worriedly of pneumonia. "Has he any questions for us?"

"Let me think. While I think, you may ask questions if you have them."

The two of them sat quietly for a moment. Gollum coughed and felt at his chest, which made Bilbo realize that there was actually no reason to think that he could not have pneumonia. "It is a short story," he said.

"You'll figure in Frodo's story more than you did mine, when he writes it," said Bilbo. "You ought to have that cough seen to."

"It's getting better, but he is nice to worry, he is. Such a nice hobbit." He began to weep.

Bilbo waited silently until Gollum finished crying and started to flip through the papers.

"Questionses, questionses," he said. "I wonders- why is Baggins here? He does not want to be here in the dark with Sméagol, how did he wander in? He does not want to be with the goblins. It sounds as if he wants to be at home. But that is answered in the other chapters, yes? The ones that isn't here? This is Chapter Five. It is numbered."

"Right," said Bilbo.

"Are the others finished?"

"No, not yet, sorry. That one's not really finished either, in fact." 

Gollum ruffled through the papers. "You didn't really know the answer?" He sounded appalled. "He was just babbling, like a stream, and it was the ansswer! He did not... he did not mean to ask us what was in his pocketses?"

Bilbo squirmed. "May I ask you my questions now?" Gollum did not answer but Bilbo decided he would ask anyway. "First off," he said, "when you said you were getting things to help you and you went off, what was that all about?"

"Sss, sss," said Gollum. "What do you think I wanted, eh?" A look of miserable longing came over his face, and he shut his eyes.

"Oh. I- I suppose I should have guessed." 

"I was going to come back and sneak up behind you and that would have been the end of you." He said it very matter-of-factly. "That was how I killed all those goblinses."

"I beg your pardon?"

"The goblins," said Gollum, with a glance over at him. "You did not know?" he asked, when Bilbo said nothing. "I thought Gandalf may have told you."

"It sounds a bit different coming from you. Of course a lot of people have killed goblins-"

"Sméagol ate them," said Gollum. "It is horrid, isn't it?"

“Horrid, but not surprising. Is there anything you haven't eaten?"

"Hobbit. I never caught one," said Gollum. "That is lucky, eh?"

"I should say so. But you also seemed terribly afraid of goblins."

"I was, yes. I used the Precious to kill them. They never saw us- it would have been the end of me if they had, I could not have won a fair fight. They suspected, I think, that something was there. I do not think anyone guessed that it was only a frightened Halfling.

Bilbo was not sure, for a moment, what to do about all of this information, and then the obvious solution presented itself. He started taking notes.

"You are adding that into the story, are you?" Gollum asked.

"Yes," said Bilbo, sounding calmer than he felt.

"Very well, very well."

"Or did you want that kept out?"

Gollum thought this over a minute before answering. "You has your papers, your pencil, you are taking notes, you didn't hide it. If I doesn't want you to write it I ought not to tell you."

"Perhaps, but I am a reasonable hobbit. If there's anything you don't want me to write, just say so. On the other end of things, there anything you would like me to put in that you haven't said?"

"Let us think, let us think." He began to leaf through the pages again, and started volunteering things like what he kept on his island, what he kept in his pockets, how he had guessed Bilbo's riddles (he wanted to make it clear it was not through luck), and other such things, most of them mundane bits about his dreary life and nothing to do with the orcs or the Ring. 

Bilbo took notes. Not everything Gollum talked about belonged in his story and would not be put into it- it was a story about Bilbo, after all, not about Gollum; but a little bit of the old stick's background might be worthwhile, he thought, and taking notes was the respectful thing to do in an interview anyway.

"Forever?" Gollum said suddenly, with feigned surprise. Bilbo looked up to see him pointing to something on the page. He leaned over to see what it was.

"We hates it forever," Bilbo said. "Yes, that is a direct quote."

"Forever," Gollum repeated, "forever, what a silly thing to say! That is- that is a long time, it is."

"True. But you did say it," said Bilbo.

"Did we? But perhaps-" He cocked his head, like a dog. "You could take it out! And then I did not say it."

"That's not how it works, I'm afraid," Bilbo said, "but I suppose if you'd rather, we can pretend you didn't say it. That's generally what civilized people do when they don't want to apologize in so many words."

Gollum considered this for a moment. Then he said: "But I don't mind saying I am sorry for it. I am sorry."

"In that case it's much easier," said Bilbo,

"And just like that, I took his key-ring off his belt," said Bilbo. "He didn't stir, but the keys were heavy, and they clinked now and again, and that little metal clink sounds like a gong when you're expecting an Elf to pounce on you any minute."

"Off his belt!" Gollum crowed. "So it was your doing. The Elfs of the forest keeps their keys in a box now, a stone box, and they only opens it jusst when they are taking you out of your stone box, and they uses magic so no one else can get at the keys even if they gets the box. They even told me, they did, to my face, that they did not have any keys on their belts and I needn't try it. And that was because of you."

"Maybe it was," said Bilbo, "I put the keys back before I left, but I got to be friends with the Elf-king later and he got me to tell him about it and I sort of suspected he'd already guessed by then."

"Friends with the Elf-king, of course he is. Doesn't you mind that he put your friends in jail?"

"Not at all, it was a misunderstanding. He's a pleasant chap when you get to know him."

"Of course he does not mind it! Baggins forgives everything," said Gollum amiably. "So there was you, toddling along with your loud keys in an Elf-jail."

"Ah yes." It might be going too far to say that Bilbo would forgive everything, since everything could encompass a great deal, but he said nothing on that point. "That Ring might have had the decency to do something about noises, you know, if all along it was so powerful a thing as it turned out to be."

Gollum winced, hissed, and muttered something too low to hear, and then said: "It might, it might, my precious." He pulled up one sleeve and showed Bilbo a long ragged scar on his forearm- it was hard to make out against his pale skin, but once Bilbo had seen it it looked quite nasty, and he realized it was surrounded by other scars that he had not been invited to remark on. "That would not have happened without noises," Gollum lamented, pulling his sleeve back down.

"Oh my," said Bilbo. "That was an orc, I suppose?" It must have been, if he'd still had the Ring at the time.

"Yes, yes. It was poisoned, too, ach! Nearly the end of us, it was."

His tone was breezy, but Bilbo shuddered, realizing that for Gollum any injury or illness must have meant lying alone and miserable in the dark without anyone to so much as send him a 'get well soon' card, and if he could not hunt he went hungry. "I am sorry to hear that," he said sincerely. A second later he remembered that Gollum had probably been trying to eat the orc that had stabbed him- and possibly had eaten the orc that stabbed him- and was less certain of how sorry for him to be.

"It was wretched, but it's all over now," said Gollum, waving his hand, "long over, though hobbits has such nice manners.” For a moment he looked a bit depressed, but then he picked himself up and said: “The Elves did not hear you with your keys, eh?"

"No," said Bilbo, "but only because they were dead drunk, I am afraid I cannot claim that as my burglary expertise. They also didn't hear the dreadful racket it made when I turned the keys in the lock thirteen times- or when I had the whole pack of dwarves following me and they kept stubbing their toes and cursing quite as if they were merely trooping downstairs to fetch some mead! If you thought it was a difficult job leading Sam and my lad Frodo into Mordor, just you try herding a pack of Dwarves. That'll make you say gollum in your throat, all right."

Gollum seemed a bit taken aback.

"They do indeed. I was lucky, you see, all the Elves were at a big party."

"Elves has parties, do they?"

"They have enormous parties!" Bilbo said. "You've never seen anything like it."

"Orcses has big parties," said Gollum, "but I think you would not like them."

"I suspect you are right."

“I did not like them.”

“Naturally.”

"So the Elves had a party? And was it such a big party that thirteen of these Dwarfses were taken out right under all of their noses?"

"Well, since then I've found out exactly what a big party it was," said Bilbo, "everyone was drunk, I believe, and maybe I could have taken the Dwarves out right under their noses, if I knew my way and could have gotten the gate open. But I didn't and I couldn't, so we didn't get out that way. How did you take care of the gate?"

"Didn't," said Gollum, "orcs had it open."

"Oh, of course." Bilbo went quiet a moment. He had forgotten for a moment just how unsavory Gollum's past was, and that he had departed Mirkwood with Elf-blood staining the ground behind him, unlike Bilbo. It was one thing to live on the fringes of Goblin-town and kill an occasional orc, and another to do things that got Elves hurt or killed. And then there were the Wood-men...

"Otherwise I would have climbed it," Gollum went on, quite unaware of Bilbo's thoughts. "I suppose Baggins climbed it."

"No, no, not at all," said Bilbo. Well! I knew what he was when I started talking to him, he thought, if it didn’t stop me an hour ago it shouldn’t stop me now and anyway he’s rather different nowadays.

"O no. We was outside already when we got away, and there was no time to look about the place, and I did not want to, I could not stand it any longer, and if I could have, the orcses would not have allowed it. They have always hated the sight of us, and they was shooting at my feets!"

"Goodness!" said Bilbo. "I wasn't always very happy with my Dwarf-friends but I dare say they're a sight better than orc-friends."

"Orcs is awful," said Gollum, "awful, you should not try to talk to them, they do not see sense, they do not keep any promises to anyone. Even if it would save their own children.” He shook his head. “You took your friendses to the cellar, eh? Did you burrow out?"

"No, as it happens. There wouldn't have been time."

"Ha! People digs fast if they needs to."

"We didn't need to. There was a waterway in the cellar, and the Elves floated empty barrels down it to Lake-town. There were some barrels standing there ready to go out, and I packed the Dwarves into them."

"Packed them in?"

"Like fish in a tin," said Bilbo, "they were not too pleased with me for it but I told them if they didn't go along I could lock them back into their cells instead."

"They jumped in their barrels quick enough then!"

"They most certainly did, though not cheerfully," said Bilbo. "I helped each one of them into a barrel and off they went, with the Elves helping them along and not knowing anything about it."

Gollum leaned back and clasped his long hands together. "You made them take you on the way out, did you? Clever, tricksy little sneak he is, gollum!"

"Er, yes," said Bilbo, deciding that he could do without the experience of getting compliments from Gollum. "Of course then there was no one left to help me get into a barrel, and I sort of- hopped onto one and clung on."

"But he didn't need to hide. Had Precious then."

"Yes, but I still needed something to float with."

"Can't he swim?" Gollum asked.

"Now, Goll- er- Sméagol," said Bilbo, "I know you come from an eccentric family and you've spent a lot of time sitting in a lake, but I hope you haven't gotten the idea into your head that ordinary hobbits can swim a fast-flowing river all the way from Mirkwood to Lake-town. I daresay you could, and I daresay you would have been handy to have at the time if you had been interested in anything other than murder; but I am a land-hobbit and happy to be one."

"Very well, but there are things you are missing, that way," said Gollum. "Did you know, eh, there is another city under Lake-town? I saw it. It is underwater and very old, and lovely fissh live in it now, and there are forgotten things there to be seen, and to be taken if you are strong enough and have deep pocketses. But you must swim. Swim deep."

"Why, I didn't know all of that was there," said Bilbo. He found the idea somehow unpleasant.

"If you ever goes back," said Gollum, with a casual air- very casual- so casual that it became quite brittle and vulnerable- "Sméagol can bring things up from the deep to show him, perhaps."

It was plain enough that Bilbo couldn't tell him absolutely not ever am I going anywhere with you, you presumptuous newt, so he just said: "I suppose- but I am not likely to go back any time soon, or perhaps ever- it's quite far away."

"They likes you in Lake-town," said Gollum. "They'd be glad to see you, yes."

"That's nice of them, but it is very far away- but maybe you'll go back on your own, I assume Aragorn will be sending envoys there eventually and you can ride along or creep along with them, and then you can, er, write to me about it."

"May we write?" Gollum asked, sounding on the verge of tears.

"Why yes!" said Bilbo, knowing full well that there was no postal service between Minas Tirith and Rivendell. Or between Lake-town and Rivendell, for that matter. "You can write to me anytime you like!" But, he realized, Aragorn may try to establish a post, if such a thing is possible- he loves the Elves of Rivendell and he would like to write to me too, I hope. These days it seems like nothing's impossible. Then, Gollum really might be able write to me someday, or- Sméagol might, I should say, and that wouldn't be so bad, I suppose. That made him feel better, since it made him less of a liar.

A knock sounded on the front door just then. Bilbo jumped. Gollum sat up and cocked his head.

The knock had been too high up and too loud to be a hobbit, and it was too early for Frodo and the others to be back anyway. A Man, perhaps. Bilbo got up to answer the door, and realized that would mean turning his back to Gollum- something he was still not entirely comfortable with doing, however polite and remorseful the creature might seem.

Before anything could become awkward, Gollum roused himself and scurried past Bilbo with a pattering, slapping noise. He got up and opened the door himself, fumbling with the handle and nearly overbalancing backwards. Standing there was a scruffy, sturdy-looking Man that Bilbo had never seen before.

Gollum greeted the Man with an ear-piercing squeal. "Eardwulf!"

"Sméagol!" the Man cried in answer, and then fell into a flustered silence as Gollum chuckled and pawed at him and became wriggly. The nearly hobbitish person who'd been holding a coherent conversation about the Mirkwood dungeons had turned back into a squeaking frog. Somehow Eardwulf wrestled the squirming thing into his arms and stood up.

"Don't, don't scold us," Gollum whined, patting the Man's face. "I asked the guard if I could go, he said I could, and then the wizard took me off here, I didn't choose to go, I didn't do anything wrong. Don't scold us!"

"Very well! I am helpless before such logic." Eardwulf noticed Bilbo for the first time and lapsed into an awkward silence.

"Look! It is Baggins," Gollum told him. He gave the Man a knowing sideways look. "Does he remember, eh? Does he remember what I told him about Baggins?"

Bilbo braced himself.

"The hobbit who stole from a dragon," said Eardwulf.

Bilbo had not braced himself for that.

"Yes, yes, and other things too," Gollum chortled.

"It is an honor to meet him."

"Ah- likewise," Bilbo stammered. "Bilbo Baggins at your service."

"I am Eardwulf son of Cenulf."

He heard creaking footsteps on the stairs.

"Ah, you have tracked down your charge, Eardwulf," Gandalf said. "I hope my borrowing him was not too much of an inconvenience to you. I encountered him lost in the rain and as it happens, he was needed here."

"That is well," said Eardwulf, looking stone-faced. Bilbo suspected that he’d been quite worried. "I will take him to his quarters, now, with your permission, Mithrandir.” 

“You have my blessing,” said Gandalf. “I'm sure he's quite willing to leave. He must be hungry."

"Yes, yes," Gollum chirped, wriggling even more. Bilbo had not thought of this. He wondered how long Gollum had been hungry and how long he usually tolerated being hungry before he tried to find something to hunt.

He's leaving now at any rate, he thought.

"Did you give him these clothes?" Eardwulf asked.

"They are Baggins's," said Gollum, looking pleased,

Gandalf lifted a pile of rags off of the floor with a stick and held it out. Gollum took it and held it to his chest.

"Thank you for looking after him. I must go," said Eardwulf.

"Wait," Gollum whined. "Baggins wasn't finished talking, not at all, he hadn't even gotten to the dragon."

"I must leave something for next time!" Bilbo said quickly.

"Next time is soon?"

I don't actually plan to see him again at all if I can help it, Bilbo thought with a wince. I'm sure he'll get over it... I'm not at all sure he'll get over it. "Yes, of course. Run along now. It was a pleasure to meet you, Eardwulf," Bilbo called.

Eardwulf bowed as well as he could with the baggage in his arms and swiftly left. Gollum immediately started babbling to him. "He writes," he said. "He was showing us all of his notes and things."

"I have heard he is a distinguished poet.” (Bilbo wondered where he’d heard such a thing.) "You write too, don't you?"

"It is... not the same. A poet, is he? He didn’t tell us any poems."

"I meant to tell you. I have not thrown away your notes," said Eardwulf.

"You have not?"

"Not yet. If you would like another look at them first, I'd be happy to give them back."

Gollum made indecisive noises, which faded away down the path. The house was remarkably quiet and peaceful in his absence.

"How did it go?" Gandalf asked, glancing over the room, likely assessing it for damage. "I see you have been taking notes."

"Ah," said Bilbo. "Yes, Sméagol and I had quite a long interview.”

"Did he behave himself?"

"He behaved in some fashion.

"As I understand it," said Gandalf, "it is in part because he has a tendency to wander off at awkward times, and carrying him is a kind form of restraint; and in part because they think it is good for him to be held and touched frequently, as he has spent so much time alone.”

“Well, I suppose they may be right. He seems to have taken to it.”

“He does not tolerate that kind of attention from very many people, only a chosen few that have gained his trust. I, myself, would not attempt to carry him if he were conscious."

"I see. Dare I ask why you are suddenly in favor of having us spend time together? You were vocally against it at first."

"Well, Mr. Baggins," said Gandalf, settling into his favorite rocking chair, "in the beginning, I did not want you anywhere near Sméagol because I thought it foolhardy in the extreme to put his cure to such a test. At the first, I think he would have tried to do you a mischief, and you are fortunate that when you sought him out he was too weak to hurt you. He has improved considerably since then, and I am satisfied that he is no danger to you. Then I thought it best to keep you apart for another reason." He sighed. "Sméagol is a… passionate creature, and I suspected that once decided not to hate you he would not be content with feeling no way at all about you. In short, I feared that if he would not hate you he would love you. And I did not think you would enjoy that."

"Why, I don't know. I don't know what it looks like when he's fond of someone."

"You do now," said Gandalf, "you have seen it."

Bilbo considered this a moment, and said: "He didn't paw at my legs as he does with Frodo."

"No," said Gandalf. "He sees Frodo as his master and lord, and I fear he sees you as his equal."

"Oh," said Bilbo.

"The two of you kept meeting, in spite of my efforts to keep you apart. Today it was because of my efforts to keep you apart, I brought him here in the attempt to keep him supervised and alone, thinking you were going to be out of the house all day, and instead you were here ready and waiting for a visit. I was forced to realize that I had been mistaken. By your act of mercy, a great deed was done through Sméagol; there is a tie between you that I did not make and cannot sever."

"I see," said Bilbo. "You're right- I'm not sure I like it, but I suppose it doesn't much matter whether I like it."

"He cannot take up very much more of your time," said Gandalf. "You will be going where he cannot follow. What did you talk about, Bilbo?"

"As it happens," said Bilbo, "we've been to a lot of the same places, and we were talking about what we saw there, and- I suppose the reason we've been to the same places is because he was trying to find and kill me."

Gandalf considered this a moment and said: "It is true, and a dreadful thing. But even that evil purpose did some good because it equipped Gollum with the knowledge and skill to help Frodo on his quest. Without his expertise, I am not sure what would have happened. I hope some other way would have been found, but I know not what."

"He must have at some point thought of something other than killing me," said Bilbo, "he was telling me he explored under Lake-town, which seems as if it would have done nothing but waste his time. Do you know- he apologized for saying that he would hate me forever, but not for trying to kill me? He didn't seem proud of it, but he didn't apologize."

"You'll have to ask him yourself if you want to know why."

"Because he thinks it was a reasonable thing to do at the time, I suppose," Bilbo sighed. "He thinks it was going too far to say he'd hate me forever, but he doesn't see why he shouldn't have tried to get his Precious back.

Bilbo shook himself. “Now- that's enough of all that for one day, I think. I will put away these notes, put Sméagol out of my mind and get ready for my friends to come home for dinner."

"That is sensible," said Gandalf.

The deleted scenes start a little while back- Gollum finds the guest house instead of being taken there by Gandalf. Also Legolas is here because I like him.

There were indeed guards outside the house… Gandalf, and a tall Elf.

An Elf! Not an Elf! Just looking at an Elf gave Gollum double vision and a knot in his stomach. He winced and gollumed in his throat. But it was go forward, or wander the city, or find a hole to sleep in.

He steeled himself with the thought: We are not doing anything wrong!

He approached in the open, but he went slowly. The Elf saw him first and held him pinned by horrible bright eyes. Gollum in his mind was now a loathsome crawling thing, holed up in a tree, reduced to begging orcs for a bit of assistance.

The Elf laughed. "We have company!" he said.

Gandalf's look was like thunder. Gollum stood up. "Master told us to stay away, so we shall not come any closer," he said with a tremble in his voice. "But we are lost, gollum, gollum! We didn't esscape. We walked out and no one sstopped us. Don't know way back. It is all of smooth white sstone, this city, and Sméagol does not know it, and he did not leave a scent."

"If you are going to wander about you had better start learning your own way," said Gandalf.

"I will," said Gollum. "But I don't know it yet, and I have just been given a new room, and most peoples don't know the way right off when they has a new place in a big city. I- I haven't done anything wrong."

He stood up under the wizard's gaze for two heartbeats and then he lay down on his belly in a puddle.

"Don't just lie there," said Gandalf in a dangerously soft voice. "Come in. You are soaked to the gills."

Gollum did not have gills, though he could understand someone assuming he did; but he didn't think now was the time to make a correction.
___

There's a little thing I cut from earlier that also references gills.

"On that subject, I have a bet going with Merry," said Pippin. "Do you have gills?"

"Gills?" He opened his mouth to say 'no', because he didn't- he could hold his breath a long time, that was all- but then he thought better of it. "What was the bet? Tell us that first."

"Oh, well, I bet Merry that you do have gills but he thinks you don't."

"Is that so. Then we does!"

"Is that true?" Pippin asked.

Gollum gave him a sidelong glance. "Sméagol says it is. Master Meriadoc is welcome to check for himself if he wishes, precious!"

"Where are your gills, then, if you don't mind me asking?"

Gollum squirmed in his seat.

Pippin looked him over. "I think what I'll do is tell him you said you had gills and I didn't… quite… believe you. We'll probably call it a draw."

"If he likes. It is his bet."

__

He slunk submissively closer, keeping his eyes and nose turned away from the Elf. Gandalf led him inside. He stood there dripping.

"We are making puddleses," Gollum said. He was not at all sure he liked what was transpiring currently and his voice was almost threatening.

"Yes," said Gandalf. "You are very wet. Stay there."

The Elf came close up behind Gollum and he shuddered.

Gandalf produced a thin blanket from somewhere and laid it on the floor in front of a lit fireplace. He gestured to it.

"O, nice wizard," said Gollum. "Sméagol is afraid of fire, yes very. And it dries out his face and hurts his eyes." He found it hard to even look in the fire's direction.

Gandalf glared down at him. Gollum did not think he was moved. Gollum was not above going into hysterics and calling Gandalf cruel, but he did not think doing so would help him.

But then: "That is reasonable," said Gandalf. He moved the blanket to a dark corner. Gollum crawled forward and lay down on it. Gandalf offered a towel, which Gollum used, and then rolled up to lay under his head for a pillow.

"Shall I tell his minders where he is?" the Elf asked. "They may by now be searching the sewers."

"This weather is foul," said Gandalf. "You are welcome to go if you care to put yourself out, Legolas. If you do, make it clear that there is no hurry to fetch him. I recall hearing that there were some repairs being made to his quarters, so perhaps they will be glad he has somewhere else to be for a time."

Legolas, thankfully, vanished.

"We have not been gone so long as that," said Gollum. "Just wanted a look at the rain, we did."

"I see," said Gandalf.

Gollum lay turned away from the fire, arranging his clothing so that he was not lying on top of any of the rocks in his pockets. He could feel the warmth of it on his back- it was not unpleasant, at this distance.

Gandalf sat in a rocking chair and rocked and blew smoke rings. The creaking sounds reminded him of tree-boughs and nests in high places. Gollum could hear the hobbits talking to each other somewhere upstairs, though their voices were too muffled to make out what they were saying.

Gandalf said nothing, and the silence grew awkward.

"Wizard is so wise, he might guess a riddle?" Gollum said in the end. "Guess it easy? No trouble?"

"Perhaps," said Gandalf. "I am counted wise in many matters, it is true, but that does not mean I know the answer to every riddle. But I suspect it would give you great pleasure to stump me."

Gollum assumed that Gandalf would guess anything he was asked. He spouted the first riddle he could think of:
"I consume but do not eat,
I dance and leap but have no feet.
When I am near, you choke and cry,
At my touch, you scream and die.
Rain kills me, pain fills me. What am I?"

"That is very cheerful," said Gandalf dryly. "I have not come across it before."

"He should not have," said Gollum to himself, "we made it up."

Gandalf's eyes grew sharp. Gollum withered. The wizard turned away slightly, and his voice was calm. "Did you? Just now?"

"No. Wrote some down."

"Ah. A lore-master, a figure of legend, and a poet, I see."

Gollum suspected that Gandalf was making fun of him. He sat in a sullen silence while the wizard watched him.

Gandalf said: "I suspect that you and Bilbo may have gotten along rather well if you'd met under very different circumstances."

"Baggins hates us."

"Does he? Does he really? Did you not vow to hate him? Hate him forever?"

Gollum found he could not meet the wizard's eyes.

"Some promises," said Gandalf, "are better off broken."

Perhaps they were. Gollum could think of nothing sensible to say on the subject, and sat in silence.

Gandalf did not say any more and after a time Gollum surprised himself by falling asleep. He half-woke a few times as the afternoon wore on and the guests of the house made noises. He heard with half an ear and a shudder when Legolas returned and said: "They've been told, but they are in no hurry to come out into the rain if Sméagol is accounted for and secure. He does look quite happy where he is."

"He seems to prefer this corner to your father's dungeons at any rate," said Gandalf.

Gollum also partly heard when a particularly wide, tall and odd-smelling hobbit with a big beard- or was it a short Man?- came into the room and said "Why! A strange guest indeed. How has that creeping thing come to be ensconced in the corner like a favored pet?"

"Ask Bilbo," Gandalf answered dryly.

"Bilbo?" said the Elf- who either had been in the room this whole time, or had re-entered- "but you invited him to stay, Mithrandir."

"On behalf of Bilbo."

Gollum didn't understand that and decided he was not quite awake.

He woke up more fully when the hobbits came trooping down for supper.

"I don't know, Merry," Pippin was saying. "If you're going to keep bringing it up so, I'm going to think you're a bit jealous- it might be for the best if I used my authority as the Hobbit Prince to broker a marriage for you while we're here." He stopped on the stairs, his eyes wide. This caused a hobbit pile-up behind him.

"Good evening," said Gollum.

"What do you mean by 'good evening'?" Gandalf asked from his rocking chair.

"It is a politeness, that is all," said Gollum hurriedly, "perhaps it is not a good evening, perhaps wizard doesn't like it. Perhaps-"

"That's enough," said Gandalf.

"I did ask you to turn back, Sméagol," said Frodo quietly.

"And we did, we did! But we did not know the way back. Came for directions, that was all, but wizard invited us in!"

"Did he really?" Bilbo demanded.

"Yes, I did," said Gandalf.

"I suppose that is alright," said Frodo.

The hobbits tramped into the next room for their dinner. Gollum was not yet hungry and did not like hobbit food anyway. He curled up for more sleep. The last thing he took note of was Gandalf pulling Bilbo aside to say: "I know you are often awake late at night. It would be most helpful if you could feed our guest."

That was worth remembering.

___

There's also a version where Gandalf leads him home, as in the final, but other people are there and it's in Gollum's POV. (Some of this is repeated.)

___

Gandalf led him to a house where a tall Elf and a short, wide Man with a long beard were sitting outside on the porch, deep in conversation.

An Elf! Not an Elf! Just looking at an Elf gave Gollum double vision and a knot in his stomach. He winced and gollumed in his throat.

"Is there trouble?" Gandalf asked.

"No, no," said Gollum, thinking: I knew it! I knew I was going to have to make nice with Elves!

The Elf saw him first and held him pinned by horrible bright eyes. Gollum in his mind was now a loathsome crawling thing, holed up in a tree, reduced to begging orcs for a bit of assistance.

The Elf laughed. "We have company!" he said. "Do you recognize him, friend Gimli?"

"It is the wettest, muddiest child of Man I have ever seen," said Gimli. "I do not know him! Who is this poor beggar?"

"You may know him better if you saw him float in a stream on a log," the Elf said. "It is Sméagol!"

"Sméagol!" Gimli cried in wonder. "What is he doing here?"

"I have brought him here," said Gandalf. "You are correct, he is very wet and muddy."

"He trembles like a reed," said the Elf. "Fear not, little creature! I bear you no ill will for escaping my father's dungeons, and will do you no harm. I am not even wearing my quiver. I hope you do not expect to be recaptured!"

"I am captured already," Gollum said in a tiny voice.

"A sense of humor!" cried the Elf. "Where had you mislaid it before? Things may have gone very differently for you if you had brought it along sooner."

"Yet I do not think Gandalf has brought him for entertainment," said Gimli.

"I do not find him entertaining," said Gandalf. "He is trembling from cold. Would you be so kind, Gimli, as to lay down a towel, or an old blanket? Put it in a dark corner."

"At once," said Gimli. "I would not like to see any harm come to these beautiful stone floors." He vanished.

"And you, Legolas," said Gandalf, "please continue to stare at him, he has not been made sufficiently uncomfortable."

"Sméagol doesn't get cold," Gollum ventured.

"Before now I suppose you did not," said Gandalf, "else you could not have survived in an underground lake with no fire or sources of heat, but I am afraid you are not as sturdy as once you were. I would not have brought you all this way if I had noticed you shivering. I apologize. Now, wipe your hands on the mat and come inside."

Inside a blanket had been laid out on the floor in a corner. Gollum curled up on top of it.

"Thank you, Gimli, now light the fireplace, if you will," said Gandalf.

"O, nice wizard," said Gollum. "Sméagol is afraid of fire, yes very. And it dries out his face and hurts his eyes."

Gandalf glared down at him. Gollum did not think he was moved. Gollum was not above going into hysterics and calling Gandalf cruel, but he did not think doing so would help him. It had never helped him before.

But then: "That is reasonable," said Gandalf. "Never mind, then, Gimli. I will light the fire myself if it's needed, but perhaps it won't be. Please watch him for a moment while I go get some dry clothes."

"Of course," said Gimli, who sat down in a nearby chair and stared intently at Gollum, who turned away, drawing his hood as low over his face as it could go.

He was lying next to a wooden barrel with a dry, mealy smell, some kind of foodstuff. Someone had put his hands on the lid of the barrel so often that his scent lingered, enough to tell it was a hobbit.

"Does hobbits live here, then?" Gollum asked.

"I will not say," said Gimli, "without knowing your purpose in asking."

"Just wondered. We smells them! They've been visiting, at least." He put his hood down enough to glance around. Gimli was sitting in one of a set of wooden chairs, and the other chairs came in various sizes- including some that were tall and small of seat.

Gandalf's voice rumbled through the ceiling, he had gone upstairs. An indignant tone answered.

Legolas poked his head through the door. "Mithrandir has not directed me whether I am to remain on the porch by myself, or come inside," he said cheerfully. "What do you think?"

Gollum ducked back under the hood.

"Perhaps it would be useful for you to help me watch him," said Gimli.

Legolas instantly bounded in and took a chair.

"Not doing anything," said Gollum, hugging his knees to his chest. "We are not doing anything, my precious, we did not even sneak inside, the wizard invited us."

"This is true," said Legolas. "But I have ever known you to be a curious creature with grasping fingers and I would hate for you to explore the room too freely, and pull a shelf of crockery down onto your head!"

Gollum muttered under his breath. He wasn't a baby.

Gimli leaned forward, one hand braced on his knee, and his eyebrows knit together. "Sméagol," he said, "what is it like, so far underneath the Misty Mountains?"

"O," said Gollum, "Sméagol cannot say anything, no, unless I knows why he's asking it."

"I merely desire to know," said Gimli without a trace of offense. "The root of the mountain must be a wondrous sight!"

Gollum considered continuing to be difficult, but relented and said: "No, not really, we thought it would be full of secrets but it is only full of slime and pointy things… and fissh. Nice fissh."

Gandalf's voice approached: "I have some dry things… I see you are taking your task very seriously. I shall call upon the two of you at once if ever I need to make someone feel entirely unwelcome. You may go back outside to your conversation."

Legolas and Gimli cleared out, and Gandalf handed Gollum a collared button-up shirt and some trousers. "Likely not a perfect fit," said Gandalf, "but neither are your current garments, which are very worn and of poor quality."

"We was measured for new things but they're not done," said Gollum. "The measuring tape made us squirm and squeal. We did not like it."

"That is called being ticklish."

"Don't want ticklish."

"That is too bad."

Gollum peeled off his wet clothes and put on the dry, which smelled of hobbit. Gollum could not tell which hobbit. His nose was not quite sensitive enough to tell individual people apart from each other when they weren't in the same room with him.

"The owner does not want those items back when you are done with them," said Gandalf. "They are now yours." Instead of sitting down close by and staring at Gollum, he went to a rocking chair a little way away and lit up a pipe. The creaking sounds of the chair reminded Gollum of tree-boughs and nests in high places.

Gollum checked the pockets of his new trousers in case the former owner had forgotten to empty them. He retrieved a piece of paper, which had been left behind before washing and was now crumpled and faded. Gollum carefully unfolded it and found the handwriting was too pretty for him to be able to read it. "Is the nice hobbit here now?" he asked casually.

"All of the hobbits live here, but they are at an event and will be gone all day."

"Except for the one upstairs?"

Gandalf said nothing, and the silence grew awkward.

___

In either version, we cut to later on.

___

Bilbo was old, and did not always sleep through the night. This had nothing to do with his frequent daytime naps, or his spending so many nights up late writing by candlelight that his sleep schedule was ruined, nor was it at all related to habitual midnight cravings for sweets. If Bilbo got up at midnight and went to raid the seedcakes at once, that was because he was awake anyway. He was just old, very old.

Gandalf had had the cheek to say he'd thought Bilbo would now be even older than he was, and not able to travel! And as Bilbo reached the bottom of the stairs, and saw gleaming eyes staring up at him, he remembered Gandalf had had the cheek to do something else.

Frodo had said that Gandalf didn't really blame Bilbo for Gollum being such a nuisance, if anyone was to blame it was Frodo for rehabilitating the old buzzard and asking for him to be pardoned, or perhaps even Aragorn for granting the pardon. (Or Sam, for not letting him fall in the mountain, but Frodo would not blame Sam even in jest. Also Frodo did not use the phrase 'old buzzard', or 'dratted creature', or 'horrid thing'. To him Gollum was Sméagol, or a neutral 'creature', or even a 'poor creature' or 'poor wretch'.) But Gandalf kept snarking at Bilbo for it and now he had apparently assigned Bilbo to feed the monster. And no one was around to guard him!

Stepping off the stairs at the bottom, Bilbo suddenly felt a twinge of guilt. Nothing Gollum had done that day would have seemed out of line if he were not Gollum. He had gone out to splash in the rain, because he was some kind of nasty amphibian and he had nowhere to swim. He had approached some hobbits he considered friends, outside in a public place where no one was keeping him from approaching them, and had tried to joke about old times with them, and then he had left when asked, and had come back only to ask for directions because he was lost, and had accepted an invitation to come inside out of the rain.

But he was Gollum and everything he did was terribly unpleasant. And those 'old times' had involved attempted murder. And Bilbo did not want to be alone with him in the dark- what had happened to Gandalf insisting that Bilbo stay away from him?

Gollum was eeriest when he was quiet.

"Good morning," Bilbo said stiffly.

"It is night," said Gollum.

"I said good morning because you just woke up," said Bilbo. "Everyone I say 'good morning' to takes some kind of issue with it. Maybe I'll stop saying 'good morning' to anyone."

"It is a silly phrase," said Gollum agreeably. "Often the morning is not really good at all. And you have just said it to me when it is not even morning. And I haven't just woken up, no."

"I suppose you want breakfast, whether it's morning or not," he said.

"Yes, Sméagol is very hungry, but he's been waiting, patient Sméagol."

Waiting for what? Bilbo wondered, looking into his eyes.

Gollum looked taken aback. Then he hissed and looked really angry for the first time since Bilbo had unwillingly reunited with him. "I won't hurt you," he said with vehemence. "Sstop looking at me like that! Gandalf said you would feed me, I doubt he meant it that way, precious- no- and I wouldn't touch him anyway- he is sour, sour, he is!"

"Alright, I'm sorry," said Bilbo, wondering how things had come to the point of apologizing to the dratted creature, even if it was not a terribly sincere apology. "Surely you know why we have some difficulty trusting you, but I may say it's quite a statement of faith that I am alone with you in the dark!"

"Very well," Gollum muttered. He crawled along at Bilbo's side as they entered the pantry. Bilbo began to look through the stores. He wondered if this was a life or death situation- he could not trust Gollum's words. But Gollum did not behave as if he were hunting, or even as if he were in a particular hurry to be fed.

"I don't think we have any raw meat on hand," said Bilbo, the back of his neck prickling.

"That is no matter to us, no matter," said Gollum dismissively. "There are eggses. We smells them!"

Eggses had been one of the riddle-answers, Bilbo recalled. Well, 'egg' had been the answer and Bilbo had allowed for Gollum's affectation, though- really- he could have tried to end the game there by saying 'eggses' was not a word. But that bit of pedantry would not have been exactly fair.

"They gave us eggs," said Gollum. "They thinks we're too skinny. So they mixed up the eggs with our meat as if we wouldn't notice! They did not know we would like to eat them."

"Fascinating," Bilbo muttered. He found the eggs. "Do you need me to open these for you?"

"No," said Gollum. "Unless- unless you do not want to hear me eat them the way I does when they're not open."

Bilbo didn't know what that meant and he didn't want to know. "I'll open them, shall I?"

"If you wishes it."

Bilbo found himself cracking eggs into a bowl for the consumption of someone who had once waddled all over the continent trying to find him and kill him in his sleep. It was midnight.

Gollum was wearing dark clothing and hanging back in a particularly shadowy corner. His pale face and eyes seemed disembodied. He sipped the eggs from the bowl with noisy enjoyment. How loud was he when he ate them from the shell? "Has Baggins ever had eggs from the tree?" he asked.

The tree? Oh, he meant wild eggs, as opposed to chicken eggs. They did taste different. "A few times," said Bilbo.

"They are nicer, eh?"

"I thought they were pretty nice, but I was grateful for any food at all."

"Ach! Yes," said Gollum. "I have eaten so many horrid things, we was so hungry, poor Sméagol."

I know you ate horrid things, thought Bilbo, but he decided not to antagonize the wretch. Also, if he said that, the obvious rejoinder would be Are you horrid, then? and Gollum might actually make that reply and Bilbo didn't care to hear it.

Gollum handed back the bowl. "Thanks it, we does," he said.

"And it's welcome," said Bilbo.

He did not feel like cleaning the bowl at the moment and Gandalf had not told him he must. He just tucked it out of the way somewhere. Then it occurred to him, guiltily, that Sam would find it and uncomplainingly wash it. However, it was dark and Bilbo could not find where he had put the bowl.

Gollum sat there licking his teeth and watching Bilbo fumble with table-settings. Bilbo gave up on finding the bowl, and leaned his elbow nonchalantly on the shelf, propping his cheek on his hand, as if that was always what he had meant to do.

Gollum still just sat there. He was blocking the doorway. Bilbo was in no mood to jump over him this time, and he was too old.

"Do you want something else?" Bilbo asked. He could not quite bring himself to say 'get out of my way you revolting old frog'.

"Thirsty."

Bilbo provided water, and Gollum lingered over it- still in the doorway. Bilbo grabbed the seedcakes he had wanted, and ate two of them. Gollum finished his drink of water and still sat in the doorway.

A funny impression came to Bilbo's mind, as the creature watched him. "I'm not going to disappear on you if you let me out of the pantry," he said. "You've put paid to my lovely old ring I used for disappearing." When Bilbo thought of the destruction of the Ring as a heroic event, he attributed it to Sam and Frodo. When he was mad that he didn't have the ring anymore he blamed Gollum. Turnabout is fair play, my good burglar, Bilbo thought. 'Thief. Hates it forever'.

In any case Gollum slunk out of his way, muttering. The mention of the Ring clearly hurt him and again Bilbo felt a little bit guilty. He had discussed such with Sam, and both had agreed that:

1) Gollum was nasty and when they saw him they often wanted to hurt him

2) If they did hurt him they felt terrible about it

3) It was better not to hurt him.

But he had a way of trying one's patience.

In any case he had allowed Bilbo to go back into the parlour. Bilbo went into the parlour, and Gollum lurked self-consciously behind him. He did not seem to want to go very far away from Bilbo. In fact he was giving the impression that he wanted attention.

"Hold on a moment," said Bilbo abruptly. He bounded up the stairs (for a given value of 'bounding'. He was still old). He had never scrupled at interviewing people before. He had caught some flak for being willing to interview King Thranduil, who had actually been quite polite, and had been happy to admit to some embarassing things in exchange for having his name not mentioned in the text- though everyone would be able to figure out who he was- and for being told how Bilbo escaped his dungeons- and he didn't catch on that Bilbo had lied about it a little bit. Bilbo had interviewed quite a few obstinate dwarves. On points of translation, he had approached the most important and aloof Elves a hobbit could imagine. He had fairly badgered Gandalf, who had asked if Bilbo would have interviewed Smaug, if such had been available. Bilbo had cheerfully claimed he would have.

Smaug means 'squeezed through a hole', thought Bilbo. Sméagol means something like 'burrowing', doesn't it? It sounds a bit like 'smial'. They all have the same root. I am not sure which I would rather talk to- Gollum's smaller, and he can't breathe fire, and if he gets out of line I can holler and someone will come in and give him what for, but Smaug was a far more charismatic speaker.

It was a pointless argument, of course. Smaug was not available, and Sméagol was.

Bilbo was sharing a room with Gandalf. This arrangement had been decided because Frodo was apparently not quite well enough to be randomly woken at three in the morning for tea, though Bilbo thought such would do him some good. No one agreed on that point, and only Sam was allowed near Frodo at night.

The wizard did not stir as Bilbo carefully retrieved his notes. He had just done another draft of 'Riddles in the Dark'- he took the just-retired third draft, not the fourth that had already been set into the book, and some blank paper for note-taking.

Gollum was in a bit of a tizzy when he returned. "He said he wouldn't leave!"

"I didn't disappear," Bilbo countered. "I went up the stairs. I was gone for thirty seconds."

"He has papers." Gollum looked very intrigued.

___

I prefer the final version, where Bilbo thinks 'interview' the moment Gollum appears without all the faffing around.
From here, things happen the way they did in the final draft, with only one notable change which is that we see Sam at the end

___

Sam came down the stairs. He glanced doggedly at the corner where Gollum had been allowed to rest. Then he noticed Bilbo, and his honest face lit up like a spring day. "Good mornin' to you, Mr. Bilbo!"

Bilbo had found that the what-do-you-mean-good-morning joke did not go over well with poor Sam, who was terrified of offending Bilbo even though it had never happened and likely was not possible, so he just said "And a very good morning to you as well! Am I fortunate enough to think that you are planning to cook breakfast?"

"Of course I am, sir," said Sam. "Did you see where that old villain went? I don't like thinking he might turn up somewhere without warning."

"He went away," said Bilbo. "He left with Gandalf. You needn't fear stepping on him unexpectedly."

"That's a relief," said Sam, going into the pantry. He came right back out again, looking dour. "He ate all of our eggs before he went."

"Well," said Bilbo, tempted for a moment to let the blame rest where it lay, "actually, I offered them to him, I'm afraid. Er… are they all gone? I lost track of how many I gave him."

"There's not a one left," said Sam. "I suppose that's better than the other things he could be eating." He shuddered and went back into the pantry. Bustling noises ensued, soon followed by an appetizing smell.

Bilbo went over his notes and began marking up places where he thought he would discard Gollum's ramblings. The old frog interviewed just like a hobbit, going off on tangents and occasionally telling barely-related family stories. Bilbo had not discouraged him, he had found it interesting to hear about hobbits he had never met that came from a place unlike the Shire, but he could not include most of this- he could imagine the reaction now. 'What's this about his grandmother and eggs?'

Then again, maybe I'll leave the part with the grandmother and the eggs, thought Bilbo, just to see the eyebrows go up.

It occurred to Bilbo that towards the end of their talk, Gollum had been the one keeping him on track and bringing him back to the main subject every time he began to ramble. He wondered if Gollum had been secretly thinking it was a good opportunity to gather information on Mirkwood in case he ever needed to break out of there again.

Gandalf returned some time later. Sam came out to say "Good morning, Mr. Gandalf! Breakfast is almost ready," and disappear back into the kitchen.

"You've been gone longer than I expected," said Bilbo. "He didn't give you any trouble, did he?"

"No," said Gandalf, looking solemn. "He did not. At least, none he meant to give. I see you have been taking notes."

"Ah," said Bilbo. "Yes, Sméagol and I had quite a long interview, although just now I am not sure which of us was doing the interviewing; I suppose he's picked up a few things after being put to the thumb-screws in Mordor."

Sam briskly walked out of the kitchen. "Did he do anything wrong to you, Mr. Bilbo?"

"No, not at all," said Bilbo. "I did not mean that way, rather that we seem to have somehow spent all night talking about whatever he wanted to talk about. But it was what I wanted to talk about too, mostly; he told me some things for my book, about Goblin-town and that cave he lived in- I could not see it, after all, in the dark, so it was helpful to hear a description."

"If you need him straightened out any," said Sam, "just you let me know." He shook his head and withdrew. From then on it's mostly the same.

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